October 3rd – date recognition is now second to none
So, A month after I arrived, I am gone, back home, back to what passed for a life.
The changeling collects me from the hospital, we drive home in complete silence. My silence is due in most part to the medication, it muffles her voice, so that all my energy needs to be used to hear her. If I am not vigilant, I find myself leaning forward, my face screwed up in concentration, trying to catch every sound she makes – a position that somewhat puts in doubt my complete denial that I can still hear voices in my head – so I sit bolt upright, face smoothly blank, doing what I need to do.
I suspect that the changelings’ silence is because she cannot think of a single thing to say to me.
My apartment has been cleaned & tidied – this simply makes the space look even poorer and more drably depressing – the mattresses have gone, there are a bunch of garage flowers on the kitchen table, there is a limited selection of own label products on the shelves & in the cupboards.
We stand in silence in the kitchen, the room is tiny forcing us to stand far closer to each other than either of us would have chosen. There is another beat of silence, then the changeling collects up her bag, reminds me to take my medication, which she has helpfully placed in the exact centre of the table and leaves. The silence extends beyond her leaving and I wait and then I walk over to the bin and put the tablets in side.
I realise that I have no idea what to do next, so I sit down at the table, stare at the already browning, never really flowered, unscented roses and like a dutiful child wait for something to happen – I am bolt upright in the chair – hands folded neatly, looking expectantly at the kitchen clock.
Its dark now – but I think it’s the same day still
How I know what she expects of me, it has been a long time coming and I know that I should be horrified, even disgusted but she is me & how can I deny her this – she says it will make her happy and that I’ve had all the luck so far & now it’s her turn- who am I to argue?
And after all she is articulating what has always been inside me – I felt a tremor of acceptance when she told me what she needed – somehow I have always known how this song ends.
The cuckoo, the usurper, the changeling must be beaten out, turned off, evicted & only then can the rightful one take her proper place – I have been waiting for this message, now I can put things right, she can return to me, our lives can begin & I will be free of my changelings’ toxic presence and I have been told that all will be returned to me – the circle will be made, there will be no more absence.
4th Oct – dawn
I must not let things slip again – the days & dates must not get away from me. I must be vigilant – my task is clear – I wait for further instructions – I am the