Rubies and duels would like to welcome our newest guest writer – enjoy her story
Helmut Beergarden-Clarke was feeling very pleased with himself,
he thought his TOM-TOM sat nav purchase for £89.00 was an
absolute steal and the Which? website confirmed it! Even Bob the
guy at his local garage, who’d fitted it, thought he had, as he put it
“played a blinder.” And today he was going to christen it with a trip
to Coventry, a trip he made everyday, to check if it followed his
special short cut or sent him all around the houses – or indeed to a
Little Chef car park just outside of Orpington as had happened to
him with his old one, hence the new purchase.
After the third time of checking he’d locked his front door and
avoiding all the cracks on his garden path he eventually made it to
his car. He started the engine and on the third go pulled away. He
duly switched on the sat nav, then off again, then on, and off again
and finally on – and a voice with a thick Egyptian accent said.
‘You have switched me on three times, I now grant you three
wishes O Master.”
Helmut was a bit taken aback by this turn of events. ‘Wh what.”
he replied. I want to go to Coventry, and quick about it.”
“Can I just stop you there O Master; I have just granted you
three wishes and you want one of them to take you to Coventry, no
one has ever wished that before. Are you sure want to waste a
wish, what about improving your nose, I have a wide range to
choose from?” And on the Tom Tom screen appeared a selection of
“What do you mean improve? I have a fine nose, fine noses run in
our family. It’s a noble German nose – we’ve had this nose for five
generations.” declared Helmut.
“Apologies O Master, Coventry it is then.”
“No, wait. You can actually grant me three wishes?”
Well yes, within reason. You can’t wish for more wishes, you can’t
see or go into the future or the past.”
‘Well what kind of thing do people wish for?”
“ All sorts really…”
“Hold on where’s your Egyptian accent gone?”
“Oh yeah, that was an introductory offer for the first five minutes,
you’ll have to put up with my original Brummie now. Right, previous
wishes… Lottery win obviously, to be the new James Bond, young
Daniel Craig has never looked back. No one’s ever gone for world
peace, or turning the sea into drinking water – it’s up to you Pal,
but don’t go for Bond, not with that nose, I do wishes not miracles.”
“Is my nose really that bad?” said Helmut looking in his wing
mirror, bending his long pointy nose this way and that.
“Are you kidding, it’s a tossup between you and Pinocchio after
he’s told a whopper!”
“Well which would you choose?” said Helmut looking at the Tom
Tom screen selection.
“I’m an invisible entity, I don’t need a nose, but if I had to
choose, number six, it’s what we call a Roman Nose, very popular in
the Home Counties at the moment. There you go, give it a blow”
Suddenly his old nose dissolved and the Roman Nose grew in its
place, causing him to sneeze.
‘Don’t worry that always happens.” said the voice. So, what do
Helmut blew his nose and checked it in the wing mirror, a broad
grin spread across his face.
“Okay” said the voice “I see you like it, right that’s wish one,
what’s your next one, what about changing that awful moniker?
Helmut Beergarden-Clarke, your school days must have been
“I can do that for myself.’
“Yeah but you’ll have to sign a million forms, change your driving
License, passport, bank details, I can do it by just clicking my
invisible entity fingers, plus you won’t have to tell friends and
neighbours, I’ll make sure they think you were always called by
your new name, which is….” said the voice, expectantly.
“Muffton-Drizzlecoat, Helmut Muffton-Drizzlecoat” said Helmut.
“Ever heard the expression ‘out of the frying pan into the fire’”
said the voice. “I’m not sure you’ve got the hang of this wish
malarkey. Right to sum up; you have your new Roman Nose, your
new name, heaven help us, Helmut Muffton Drizzlecoat; right third
wish and you can’t see it but I’m crossing my invisible entity fingers
right now – shoot!
“Exactly” said Helmut. “I want to change my job from Ledger
Clerk to freelance Assassin.”
”Who do you want to kill?”
“Wish granted,” said the voice