Magnolia Madness by Anon


This manuscript, battered and carrying tell tale splashes of paint was pushed through my door late last night.

Could it be from a writer in an alternative universe, a slip stream inhabitant or a terrifying warning from the near future, you decide.

 

MAGNOLIA MADNESS

 

 

Ken’s tongue traced his upper lip as he put the finishing touches

 

to the French windows. Ken was a bit of a perfectionist, or a pain in

 

the arse if his ex was to be believed. He stood, hands on hips and

 

surveyed his handy-work and a contented smile slid across his face.

 

Time for a cup of tea, he thought, so he strolled into the kitchen

 

and switched on the radio, which was permanently anchored to

 

radio 4, mainly so he’d never miss The Arches.

 

“We interrupt this programme with a newsflash. The

 

government has tabled a green paper that any householder of any

 

type of dwelling that paints their walls magnolia will be fined

 

£75,000 or a prison sentence up to a maximum of 15 years

 

depending on the number of offending walls.

 

A spokesman for the government said this afternoon:

 

   “We see this as yet another example of broken Britain and beige

 

and tope are also in our sights.”

 

Police had mounted early morning raids on hardware stores

 

across England and Wales. Police were forced to use batons as an

 

assistant manager at Sainsbury’s Homebase in Orpington started

 

chanting

 

“Come on and get if you think you are hard enough”

 

It finally took a hail of rubber bullets to bring the situation under

 

control said a police spokesman. So far15 million gallons of

 

magnolia have been destroyed. We now return to our normal

 

daytime programmes…

 

Ken could not believe his ears, Magnolia is a lovely colour. The

 

whole of the downstairs was Magnolia. Ken slowly did the maths, 10

 

walls – they’d throw the book at him. Panicking, he ran into the

 

shed and studied the top shelf where he kept any unused tins of

 

paint. He read their labels Magnolia, Magnolia, Beige, Tope, Tope,

 

White, Magnolia White, Magnolia, Magnolia.

 

He was not part of Broken Britain; he was a computer

 

programmer, he could talk for hours about code and often did. He

 

worked on a Business Park for goodness sake – He shopped at

 

Sainsbury’s – he had a Bag-For-Life, how unbroken is that?

 

Then the thunderbolt struck, as he later described it in his police

 

statement. He was not going to cow-tow to some government

 

knee-jerk reaction. He undid the top button of his shirt, which for

 

Ken was like Clark Kent ripping off his shirt in a local phonebox. He

 

strode out of the shed like a man possessed. He took the pencil

 

from behind his ear found the sharpener in the kitchen draw and

 

sharpened it to a lethal point. He took the hall stairs two at a

 

time, stepping past the bathroom, with the pleasing aroma of

 

Parazone tickling his nose. Muttering, “Broken Britain, Broken

 

Britain, I listen to The Archers for heavens sake – the whatsit has

 

turned” he concluded. What was it that turned? He could not

 

remember Anyway whatever it was, he was it!

Ken opened the door to his study, which was actually the upstairs

 

spare bedroom. The Tope coloured walls were lined with box files.

 

He closed the floral curtains, the last remaining trace of his ex

 

which he was reluctant to part with, took one of the files down,

 

opened it and chose a blue exercise book and wrote on the front in

 

large capital letters, THE MAGNOLIA LIBERTION FRONT, quietly

 

whistling under his breath the country classic ‘A boy named Sue’.

 

About cathi rae

50ish teacher & aspiring writer and parent of a stroppy teenager and carer for a confused bedlington terrier and a small selection of horses who fail to shar emy dressage ambitions. Interested in contemporary fiction but find myself returning to PG Wodehouse when the chips are down View all posts by cathi rae

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