Author Archives: cathi rae

About cathi rae

50ish teacher & aspiring writer and parent of a stroppy teenager and carer for a confused bedlington terrier and a small selection of horses who fail to shar emy dressage ambitions. Interested in contemporary fiction but find myself returning to PG Wodehouse when the chips are down

vigil – first draft


VIGIL

Breath

And

Pause

And pause

And pause

So
We both lean forward

Each take a hand to hold

Choreography seamless now

Breath

And we no longer know what face to wear when you breathe again

No one talks about the dullness of the death bed

Exhausting

And surprisingly soporific 

We have both dropped into sleep at different times

And jerked awake

Wearing the  look of lost confusion carried by a commuter

Who fears she may have missed her stop

Fearing that we may have missed your stop

Breath

And

Pause

And pause

And pause

When Paul’s not here 

I talk to you

Know it gets on his nerves

Conversations we’ve had a hundred times

The gardens

Yours and mine

The dogs

Upstairs now

Confused

But dozing on Paul’s single bed

Breath

And pause

And pause 

And pause

And pause

For  while I  tried to copy your breathing

Learnt that living lungs 

Need something else

Just made myself a little giddy

Breath

Breath

And pause

And pause

Thinking of my fathers’ dying

 He fought for every breath

Let go

I heard the hospice nurse whisper

Wanted to tell her no

This Culchie Catholic

Fighting almost certain damnation

Or at least a lengthy stay in purgatory

But you blameless

Made a child that baffled you

Made a man unable to operate a hammer without injury

Made a man who reads Finnegans Wake for fun

And thinks I should too

Breath

And pause

And pause

And pause

You should have made a daughter

Grandchildren

More people around this bed 

Than just

This son

And me

Who’s status is as always 

Unclear

Breath

And pause

And pause

And pause

And 


when our skin becomes as linen


When our bodies become as linen

When our bodies become our favourite fabric

Says someone

On my Instagram feed

Except mine hasn’t

Yet 

Instead 

More the sort of linen

That’s seen too many summer days

Too many beaches that failed to live up to

Our optimistic expectations

Again

Fabric frayed and faded

In places so fragile

Now

That in some lights

The pink of your palm

Shines through

As if through coloured glass

And the creases don’t drop out

Like they used to

And this

Despite my careful care

Hang damp

Good shake

Wonder if I could do this to the skin I’m in

Drape myself over a hanger overnight

Snap the fabric

And watch as it falls back into shape

Skin perfect

Summer perfect

But

Old linen shapes to you

Softly wraps itself around the skin

Memories of holidays

When 

Expectation and optimism

Found perfect balance

On a beach

Where just this once

Bucket

Spade 

And sea 

Were quite enough

And long ago and far away

my skin as desirable  as shotted silk

But

Silk tears easily

An unguarded tear or is it tear 

A whole bolt of fabric wasted

One drop  of rain can render a garment unwearable 

Linen ages better

Keeps pace with me

Colours fade

Wash out

Vanish into the horizon

As a  tide gone far away

Linen retains the memory of summer

The ghost of sun tan oil on a greying collar

The promise of ice cream

Again

Even as I pack it away in winter

Trusting in another summer to come


the boiler


Off white

And mostly off

And square

Just above the dishwasher

The one we don’t use anymore

Because

Well

The planet

You have transcended form and function

Closer now to art

And like art

I approach you reverentially

Stroke your sides

Mutter prays

Cite Saint Anthony

And sometimes you catch me unawares

Fool me

Wheeze back into life

Lights ping into action

And I step back

Daring to believe

That you can do

The one thing I need you to

But

No

Three gassy coughs

And then a return to nothing

Silence

Suddenly formless again

And

I only noticed you

When failure became the expected

And I’m sorry

Should have tried harder

Nurtured you more

Showed my gratitude more readily

Three hoodies and a hat

My new normal

My indoor wear.


reading john Clare


I am reading about madness and poetry – so unsurprisingly, I’m reading John Clare

John Clare

The miracle is

Not that you wrote poetry

Although

That is miraculous enough

The miracle is

That you learnt to read at all

And having got your letters

You held onto them

Hard

Not content with just the bible

The almanac

And maybe

The peddler’s lurid tale of hangings far way

Audacious enough to believe that

The farm hand from the midlands

Could shape with hands

That bear the marks of manual labour

When getting up at first light meant just that

When men and horses and carts

Moved and shaped the landscape

You

Moved and shaped your poems

And when

Wheels slipped in mud

And cold and wet and grey

Seeped into your bones

Your mind was elsewhere

While your body did the work

You moved and shaped the landscape of language

And I find I’m thinking of you

As I crawl on my hands and knees

Under a kitchen table

Where the crumbs of three

Or four days breakfasts lie

Because

The cleaner’s coming on Tuesday

And my hands bear the marks of years of manual labour too

Fingers twisting in new shapes

Arthritic architecture

Broken nails

Fingerprints burnt off by bleach

But

Like you

While my body bends in the routine of repetition

My mind is free

Daring enough to hold onto language

While my landscape of skirting boards

And grimy bathrooms

And kitchen sinks

Still blocked with two day old porridge

Isn’t a lovely as yours

John Clare

But

Like you

I am holding on

Holding onto language

Holding onto beauty

Holding onto my belief

In self.


dead clean


( I work as a cleaner – who knew that poetry didn’t pay – and a part of my work includes cleaning houses of elderly people who have died or gone into care homes, usually I don’t know the individuals, but this poem was inspired by cleaning the house of an ex client who had had to go into a care home)

DEAD CLEAN – For Vera

And I always thought it was a cliché

But 

It does feel as if you have just stepped out

For a moment

Or

More likely 

Knowing you

That you will suddenly appear on the stairs

Walking carefully

Sideways

Fix me with a withering stare

And demand to know 

What I’m doing here

At such an ungodly hour

And on a Sunday too

If you don’t look too carefully

It all seems fine

New jigsaw started

Sea and sky separated into saucers

Little pools of blue

Against the heavy varnish of the dining table

A wedding gift 

60 years ago

When things were built to last

Even marriages 

That were broken early on

But patched up

Kept going

The fruit bowl is still full

But

When I touch the melon

It collapses into itself

Releases a flurry of feasting fruit flies

And I wave my hands in front of my face

To fend them off

First movement in this house

For weeks

Disturb the air

Bring cobwebs crashing down that

Embrace my face

I follow the trail of frantic flies

To the piles of stock piled food

When the world closed down

And your mind wandered further

With nothing anymore

To keep you anchored

To keep you here

The sink is full of washing up

As though you have finally lost our weekly argument

Leave it

I would say

It’s my job

Enjoy the luxury of someone else

Taking care of you

But

The water is scummy, brown and brackish

I take a deep breath

Squirt bleach

Begin

And there are things that you would hate me to see

Dropped underwear

An unmade bed

False teeth

I never saw you without them

And a slick of lipstick

Pearly pink

Your make up bag is left behind

So

I make a note to email your son

Tell him

That

Even with your mind unravelling

You have your pride

Belong to that generation of women

Who

When life seemed hard

Understood the importance of a well made face

So

We make your house lovely

Work hard 

Send photos to your family

To ensure prompt payment

Prepare it

As if you really have just stepped outside

To pick the applies from your tree

Are coming back 

And soon

Jigsaw to be finished

Lipstick to be applied.


dead clean


DEAD CLEAN – For Vera

And I always thought it was a cliché

But

It does feel as if you have just stepped out

For a moment

Or

More likely

Knowing you

That you will suddenly appear on the stairs

Walking carefully

Sideways

Fix me with a withering stare

And demand to know

What I’m doing here

At such an ungodly hour

And on a Sunday too

If you don’t look too carefully

It all seems fine

New jigsaw started

Sea and sky separated into saucers

Little pools of blue

Against the heavy varnish of the dining table

A wedding gift

60 years ago

When things were built to last

Even marriages

That were broken early on

But patched up

Kept going

The fruit bowl is still full

But

When I touch the melon

It collapses into itself

Releases a flurry of feasting fruit flies

And I wave my hands in front of my face

To fend them off

First movement in this house

For weeks

Disturb the air

Bring cobwebs crashing down

Embrace my face

I follow the trail of frantic flies

To the piles of stock piled food

When the world closed down

And your mind wandered further

With nothing anymore

To keep you anchored

To keep you here

The sink is full of washing up

As though you have finally lost our weekly argument

Leave it

I would say

It’s my job

Enjoy the luxury of someone else

Taking care of you

But

The water is scummy, brown and brackish

I take a deep breath

Squirt bleach

Begin

And there are things that you would hate me to see

Dropped underwear

An unmade bed

False teeth

I never saw you without them

And a slick of lipstick

Pearly pink

Your make up bag is left behind

So

I make a note to email your son

Tell him

That

Even with your mind unravelling

You have your pride

Belong to that generation of women

Who

When life unravelled

Understood the importance of a well made face

So

We make your house lovely

Work hard

Send photos to your family

To ensure prompt payment

Prepare it

As if you really have just stepped outside

To pick the applies from your tree

Are coming back

And soon

Jigsaw to be finished

Lipstick to be applied.


So, this is what I’ve been working on for the last few months….


For the last 12 months, I’ve been working on an MA in creative writing at the University of Leicester, which has been the main reason why this blog hasn’t been as well maintained as in the past, but finally it’s done, dusted and submitted, so over the next few weeks, I’m planning on posting the body of work from my creative thesis.

The project, “Elegies for dead men I didn’t meet” is a collection of 24 poems about male suicide, each poem ( with the exception of poems 1 & 24  which are personal responses to the work I was engaged in) is  about real men, whose suicides were a matter of public record, mostly within social media. All identifying elements have been removed and each poem has been based on my personal responses to their stories and deaths – a public marking, elegies, a making visible to the stories behind the statistics of male suicide on the UK.

They have their own category within this blog so that hopefully, they will be easy to find.

Feedback, as ever, is always welcomed.


The last story inspired by music – Money in my pocket – A tale from the near future


 

String bags are the best he finds, he remembers seeing pictures of Russian grandmothers before the walls came down, always carrying a bag just in case they found something worth getting.

String bags fold up small and expand exponentially to fit whatever he finds.

He checks his phone, 7.45, time to get into place, time to get started. Today, as always he has a plan, a programme to follow.

Outside the first supermarket there is already a small queue, he sees a few faces he recognises, nods a hello, these, the other professionals are not the enemy. The other professionals help each other, share inside information, even help carry the heavier items away.  It’s the others, the amateurs that cause problems, they don’t follow the rules, don’t accept the rationing, aren’t up to date with today’s government so-called guidelines and worse than that they wander, panic, come to unexpected halts, generally get in his way.

Doors open and he’s in, doesn’t need to consult the list, has already scanned the shelves as he walked past the plate glass windows, has already clocked what’s in, what’s not. He  knows not to walk too quickly, not to look too interested, knows not to create any potential feeding frenzy. Interest wakes up the amateurs and some of them are brutal, will happily shove a less than middle sized older man out of the way if they think they are in danger of missing out.

Today’s first list is easy, fresh fruit, all the biscuits, real coffee, dog food and dog treats. He’s in and out in 15 minutes and on to the next shop and there’s always a risk here, what will he have missed with his first choice, but over the last few months he has learnt to trust his instinct, to let go of regret and to get by, always to get by.

After the supermarkets, he has the fiddly special commissions, these take longer, but are the jobs that pay and queueing is what he does now, not empty time, but paid and valued time.

And it’s a good day, the artisan bakers has got hold of some gluten free flour, it’s two small loaves per customer, but these will go for top dollar, his only dilemma who will actually get them. He’s already texting a couple of customers before he’s even left the shop, both loaves sold within seconds of them being shoved into the ever expanding string bags.

Last round of the day is the smaller corner shops, some refuse to serve him, will only sell to their own local customers, but most see him for what he is, a buyer with actual money who will ignore a price hike and who sometimes can share useful information, give them a heads up on the newest forthcoming shortages.

And then deliveries, the fruit is all for one family, still looking as if they are keeping it going, the wife still has plenty of make-up, still  finding someone to take care of her roots, still has neat eyebrows, although this is the second time he’s seen her wearing the same pair of jeans and she seems to have abandoned the heels.

The couple with the french bulldogs actually hug him when he hands them a bag of kibble, they are looking a little scrawnier, a little more drawn than when he saw them two weeks ago, he’s not surprised, dog food is holding its value, he wonders what they are managing to feed themselves, makes a mental note that their time as customers is probably running out. He doesn’t offer credit facilities.

The stoner boys, weed sellers, doing well in this new world are delighted to see him, take all the biscuits and chocolate he has, even turn off the XBox to talk, they are keen to get Skittles, Orange Smarties, of course he says he will do what he can.

They offer to pay in cash or kind and after careful consideration, he accepts kind, rolls a single skinner, smokes it slowly as he walks home, already checking his phone, as he thought, washing powder will be available tomorrow. He checks the almost empty bag, it’s all still safe, two tins of dog food and a bag of treats, checks the wad of notes and from somewhere, nowhere finds himself  quietly, almost inaudibly singing the only words he knows from the song.

 

“Money in my pocket

But I just can’t get no love

Money in my pocket

But I just can’t get no love

I’m praying for a girl to be my own”

 


STRESS TEST


I thought I’d done with pandemic and aftermath poems – it seems I haven’t 

 

STRESS TEST 1

Before all this

This 2020 thing

Had you asked

I would have answered

Hand on heart

And honestly

Never lonely

Self-contained

Embrace my time alone

But this

Months of cleaning empty houses

And coming home

And walking dogs

And coming home

And closing doors

That glass

Fracture so fine

Invisible to the naked eye

Until

The ping of a nail on the rim

Non-object

Formless

Functionless

A pyramid of crystal on the draining board

 

STRESS TEST 2

Before all this

This 2020 thing

Had you asked

I would have answered

Hand on heart

And honestly

Never bored

Always busy

Little projects on the go

But this

Months of too much time

Too little money

And anyway

No place to go

That driverless car

Hits the impact bar

Crumple zones crumple as they should

And

A crash test dummy

Describes a perfect arc

Until it flops

Head down

Fucked

 

STRESS TEST 3

Before all this

This 2020 shit show

Had you asked

I would have answered

Hand on heart

And honestly

Enough friends or at least acquaintances

Familiar faces at every venue

Always someone to share

A coffee

A glass of wine or two

But this

Reading verse into the void

Convincing at all times

Otherwise it’s shouting poetry in an empty house to no-one

That steel bar

Takes kilogram after kilogram of weight

Until

One last gram
And broken

Of no more use.

 

 

 


House of Pain – Jump Around –  carribean carnival 1989


 

 

Carnival makes entrepreneurs of us all, there is money to be made, so, over the last few days, black bins have been acquired, best not ask from where, chickens and goats curried and jerked, the family next door have been running a samosa assembly line and even the men whose usual day to day rhythm is bookies, bar and blues have plans to make money, cash, dollar and the supermarket has already sold out of bags of ice.

 

The hairdresser has been open since 7am, doors wide open to manage the heat from every hair dryer on high, old school reggae blasting from speakers, a prelude to the sounds that will shake the streets and teeth later.

 

Carnival is serious business, outfits planned for weeks, nails  be-jewelled and dagger sharp, hair sharper still, statement lipsticks and faces that say “ Today I am royalty”

 

The smaller girls are imprisoned between adult knees, clamped into immobility while perfect corn rows are furrowed onto heads, they learn quickly that wriggling is not acceptable, will result in a slap, but as soon as they can, escape to the street, stand close to cooking  pots big enough to swallow a small child whole, learn again that reaching out for dumplin or deep fried plantain will earn them another slap, wait for the call back into the terraced houses, the shoe-horning in perfect frocks, shiny shoes placed on feet, the instruction to sit on the sofa and not move a muscle, not get dirty.

 

The neighbour at number 46 has decamped from the rocking chair that lives outside his front door from April until October, the chair from which he surveys the street, a can of red stripe and a single skinner always on the go, is instead today stacked with bags of whistles, bandanas, baseball caps. Everything is red, gold and green. “ I and I will be making money today “ he says and then because he cannot help himself, opens up one of the bags and hands out whistles to the boys who have been standing, watching his every move for the last half hour.

 

And Chandos St erupts with the first whistles and whoops of the day – soundtrack of carnival, on the parade, on the park and hours from now, as families trail home, hands sticky from candy floss and sugar cane, there will still be enough energy left for a final tuneless toot until children carried on shoulders lose their grip on the now grubby green, red and gold laces and let the last of the whistles drop into the gutter.

 

The parade is late leaving the Neighbourhood Centre, the parade is reliably late leaving but there are still baby mothers running past the supermarket, somehow managing to run and carry a bag stuffed with wet wipes and cartons of smart price juice while perfecting a kiss curl right in the middle of the forehead of the smallest child bound for a float. Hands reach down and hoist these tiny confections of lace and net into their places.

“Smile” say the baby mothers “ Smile” and they walk alongside, newest baby in the buggy, a middle sized boy holding tight to the handle, carrier bags just balanced, just so, one step away from tipping over.

 

And for one day, Highfields becomes a tourist destination for our neighbours from more affluent, less ghetto suburbs. They , thinking they are in the know,  are prowling our streets, looking for carnival colour. They think it’s cheaper and safer to buy food, booze and weed here, in this grid of streets of two ups, two downs than on the park, than at carnival itself, which is mostly true,  but only because no-one here has paid a pitch fee, just plonked a black bin full of ice and cans of beer and those tiny bottles of strange white wine, wine that only ever appears at carnival and everything’s a pound, because, well, why not.

 

We watch them, sell to them, smile and smile and smile. We are serious about providing the colour at this, the  other end of carnival

 

The chickens from number 78 have been a sound investment, not just once, but twice, , first in  fresh laid eggs and now served with rice and beans, soul food eaten with a plastic fork.

 

And this, this tune is everywhere today. Walk slowly, but slightly faster then the floats that stop and stutter up London Rd and you will hear it in full, each sound system out of sync but the music carries on, rewinds, starts again.

“Jump around, jump around”

 

Even the mighty AbaShanti, he of purest roots reggae,  legendary sound system supremo, godfather of the blues parties for half a lifetime, even he lifts one finger, nods, dreads flicking  in time to the beat of these white boys from half a world away.

 

.

 

“Feelin’, funkin’, amps in the trunk and I got more rhymes

Than there’s cops at a Dunkin’ Donuts shop

Sho’ nuff, I got props

From the kids on the hill plus my mom and my pops

I came to get down, I came to get down

So get out your seat and jump around!”